Some say that boys and girls are the same and it’s how we treat them that determines their behaviour and personalities. I beg to differ. On my experience, and of course my opinion can only be based on that, boys and girls are very different indeed and it has absolutely nothing to do with nurture.
I didn’t find out if I was having a boy or a girl either time I was pregnant. I instinctively knew what each of them would be but I didn’t have categoric proof so I absolutely didn’t buy to cater for either pink or blue nurseries. The first time round I bought a khaki buggy (a Bugaboo buggy naturally) and all the clothes I diligently washed in Fairy non bio, ironed and folded (for the first and last time I might add) were white. I wasn’t hedging my bets even though Florence was always Florence in my mind…
So she was born and went straight into neutral everything yet she grew to love pink, sparkles and ultimately… Barbie. She is girlie to the extreme, even to the point of refusing to wear trousers if there is even the slightest hint that a boy might also wear the same thing. I didn’t do this to her, it’s just the way she is.
Then when Jimmy came along and I knew in my heart of hearts that he was always going to be a boy, we did exactly the same thing. The only difference being that he was instantly surrounded by all of his sister’s things which scream GIRL from every window. Despite baby dolls, pink tutus and the ever present Barbie being in his life from day dot he has not shown even the slightest interest and from the very moment he could express desires for anything he has been obsessed with wheels, trains, planes, cranes and diggers… He is the epitome of ‘BOY’!
Why then? Why should this be? Why does my girl get all her frilly dolly clothes and shoes out and play gently with her baby dolls while my boy organises train crashes on extensive and pretty excellent (actually) sets of track? My only theory can be that it is nature!
I have not loved them differently. If Jimmy falls and cuts his knee I do not say ‘get up and be a big boy’ while I might cuddle his sister under the same circumstances. No, I just cuddle them both. I love them in exactly the same way and (probably) smother them with kisses and cuddles regardless of bumps, falls, upset or just happy times. Jimmy will take it for a bit but in the end pushes away and when he gets angry he pushes, kicks and even head butts in what can only be described as a ‘boyish way’. Florence snuggles for hours, she loves make-up with an instinctive way of knowing how to use it (my own husband didn’t know what mascara was when I first met him) and IF we have ever been to the cinema to see something which might say be ‘Planes’ she refuses to believe it is REAL ‘Disney’ unless there is a proper Princess and wants to leave!
It’s nature. I promise you. I firmly believe that and I feel certain (even more so after reading Genome) that we have our personalities mapped out in the genetics we carry. I’m not saying there are no girls who like ‘boys’ things or boys who refuse to do anything ‘girlie’ but I reckon, on the whole, boys and girls are extremely different and that is just how we are. I suppose it’s similar to my beliefs on feminism. I wouldn’t call myself one as I see no need these days. I also want men to open doors for me and pay for my supper, while I want to embrace my role as a woman with other touches. Certain feminists really piss me off with their whole equality thing, I mean c’mon, we’ve won the battle when it comes to how much we earn and how society treats us, Emiline Pankhurst and her gang fought the fight a LONG time ago. Can’t we just enjoy the benefits of being the same while STILL recognising our differences? We have them and I for one embrace that. There is no need for a ‘feminist fight’ these days; sure there are dicks out there who think women have no brains but they are few and far between and everyone needs someone to ridicule, let’s take THEM!
I sometimes think people want an argument for the sake of arguing. All the bad has been proven and rectified; we know we can do some things just as well but we surely also know men are stronger in some aspects and women in others? The rest is just bull shit and while some women will argue we are the same as men and should be treated the same I just think life isn’t as simple as that and we need to recognise our differences!
In the animal world everything is very black and white and we know what’s what. A male lion fights all the other male lions and the strongest wins the ladies. I’ll give you sea horses are a little different in their roles as the male is technically the mother but really and truly everyone knows their post and what’s expected of them. We, as humans, have distorted everything with knowledge and intelligence. I say let’s just get on with it and embrace the changes in our different sexes. They are there, why fight them and why even have a conversation about what comes naturally and what doesn’t?! There is no argument for nature verses nurture here, we’re all as good as each other and deserve the same reward but what we bring to the table is (and should) be different.
Nobody would say a boy had been made gay because his mummy dressed him in pink or a girl fell in love with another girl because her Mummy didn’t allow Barbies. We are informed enough today to know that If you are gay then you are gay, if you are straight then it’s because you are that way regardless of how you were loved as a child. Everything you are is in your nature and that’s what I’m talking about.
(Oh, and ten points if you know the song lyrics I made this post’s title from – showing my age here!)
Follow
Yep I am finding the same. B is obsessed with balls and wheels in a way C never was. He will be happy for hours throwing a ball around the room and chasing after it. C isn’t a girly girl but she is definitely out of a different mould.
Hi Hon,
Sadly, you are incorrect about feminism having fixed everything. As an example, there is still a vast gender pay gap (please see latest research here: https://www.gov.uk/government/uploads/system/uploads/attachment_data/file/295833/Analysis_of_the_Gender_Pay_Gap.pdf).
I like having doors held open for me and chairs pulled back for me, but this doesn’t stop me believing that women should be socially, politically and economically equal to men, therefore I am a feminist, as this is what feminism is.
xXx
I just think it’s very old fashioned and conjures up a picture of aggressive women fighting for what we already have. Sure I’m up for women being equal in pay etc but I’d rather say just that than I am a ‘feminist’ as I don’t like everything else that goes with it. x
I understand where you’re coming from, but working in the corporate world it is clear to me that we don’t already have what I want, namely social, political and economic equality with men. I am constantly faced by low level sexism, eg the 20% gender pay gap.
Even the wording of “aggressive women” is problematic, because a man arguing for equality would be viewed as forthright and strong rather than aggressive.
Xxx
Hmm, well, not you Ra Ra but I have met a lot of women who are very aggressive in their views on feminism. And it feels like they WANT to argue. I very firmly believe that while women can have it all they shouldn’t as something will always give and we are very different to men. They are very different to us. I don’t think that is a bad thing I just think we should just stop trying to be the same and embrace difference. Not with pay or social standing, of course not but I honestly don’t feel bothered by it. My main point is that we are different. Genetically. There are things women can do that men can’t and things men can do that women can’t (as well anyway.) And it annoys me hearing women bang on about how we are exactly the same when we’re not and we’re not meant to be.
I think that if by “having it all” you mean having the ability and right to have both a career and a family, then women are no different to men in terms of wanting that or indeed being able to achieve it if they want it. Of course, society’s construct has taught us to expect less over the years, but feminism is tackling that. And of course it isn’t easy because people have more expectations of mothers than of fathers (again because of societal constructs), but then I would view that as an antiquated point of view.
I of course vigorously defend your right to choose to be a stay at home mother, but I know some fantastic parents, both male and female, who have fulfilling careers as well as fulfilling family lives.
One of my close friends took a year off from her job in finance to be the primary care giver to her son. Now she is back at work full time, and her husband has taken a year off to take his turn.
If I have children I certainly have no intention of scrapping my career, and would fully expect my partner to contribute equally to child rearing, household tasks etc. I don’t think that would make me a bad mother. And I don’t think there is a one size fits all “should” for how families work.
Xxx
I agree. What I don’t agree with is women popping out a baby because they can and see it as their right then going back to work two weeks later. Think Katie Hopkins. Who loses there, certainly not her? (Except she does but she doesn’t see that). It’s that type of feminism that I am against. The selfish type that uses it as a vehicle just to be selfish and unfair. There is a reason the woman stays at home with a baby, she is the one who has grown it and the only one who can grow it and naturally the one who is feeding it and the only one who can feed it. Except I presume Katie Hopkins wouldn’t have even thought about breast feeding because going back to work was far more important. However, it’s not just this feminist that I am against but anyone who uses that word to shout about things they really don’t need to shout about. I just think, yes, I get it, now shut up!
I think, dear Ra Ra, we will have to say we see each other’s points on some things and agree to disagree on others… x
Katy Hopkins is an example of a pillock, not an example of a feminist.
We definitely disagree on a great deal of this, and some of it is your opinion which is absolutely fine, but some factually incorrect (eg your assertion that there isn’t a gender pay gap any more).
Given that the word “feminist” very simply means someone who believes in social, political and economic equality for society, perhaps we need to encourage people to remember and respect that, rather than lambasting the word because of a misunderstanding as to what it means.
Finally, I don’t think that a woman who goes back to work after 2 weeks should be criticised without any understanding of her personal circumstances (and let’s ignore Hopkins, she’s an idiot). Who is to say that I might not do that, if I earn more than my partner and it is financially necessary? Not everyone is lucky enough to have the financial support necessary to stop work.
Sorry Ruthless, but I feel very strongly on this one.
Xxx
Me too, Sarah, very strongly but I’m afraid I believe that if a woman can’t have the motherly instinct to WANT to stay at home and look after her baby when they need her to in infancy then I really don’t think that woman should be having babies. I really think that woman is only having babies to fulfil her desire to ‘have it all’ and even though a baby may well be looked after by a nanny or a Father, in those first months it is a Mother that they need and that is biological. Thankfully we live in a country which still, despite the Conservative party, makes it possible for every woman to have a good few months off without losing too much money. If a Mother can’t do that then why does she want to be a Mother? Two weeks is NOT long enough to bond with a baby and would leave a woman’s hormones all over the place without even thinking what it would do to the baby. With Katy Hopkins, I also think she is a pillock, of course she is but SHE would say she is a feminist. Just saying… And I’m not saying ALL women who call themselves feminists are like her but there are enough to make me think we shouldn’t use the word and should just say we want people to be equal. Which for the most part, I think we are.
Can I just say also, that this post isn’t really about feminism, it is about the differences between boys and girls which I believe are there regardless of how they are brought up. The feminism paragraph is just a small part of it… So, let’s have this discussion again, over a glass of wine. Oh and P.S, I know you Sarah and there’s no way you’d be able to leave YOUR baby after two weeks. No way! We’ll see… Just wait.x
Personally….if you are putting your career first over looking after a baby, then you shouldn’t be having babies. Or at least wait until you are ready. Careers can be put on hold, babies are only babies for a short time. I think you should wait at least a year to go back to work. I personally wanted to stay at home until Eva went to school. Now I am working on freelance jobs. I really do think it is the mothers job to do the majority childcare for infants, not daddy, not granny, not a stranger – it’s nature! They should be there to support.
My two cents on that 😉
Eva is not girly in the slightest. She says pink, barbies, dolls are “not cool”. Absolutely no influence from me what so ever. I have just left her to like what she wants to like. It annoys me when I read blogs like Reel Girl that slam anything that’s pink or girly and influencing their child not to like those sort of things. Putting it in their head that it is bad. Just leave your child to like whatever they want to like! If a girl wants to play with barbie, then fine, if she wants to play with cars, then fine.
I agree entirely. On both counts. And I definitely know of other children who don’t form to stereotype but I do notice that more children do than don’t. I haven’t tried to influence either of mine yet they both gravitate towards stereotype when it comes to toys and Jimmy has been surrounded by girlie toys from Florence but he’s not interested apart from the odd one which might have wheels. They always have to have wheels! AND clothes! Florence is VERY girlie when it comes to her clothing choices and that’s absolutely not me. I dressed her in loads of ‘boys’ things as a baby but now she would cry all day if I tried. She just hates to wear anything which isn’t pretty…
I think exactly the same, we didn’t find out with any of our pregnancies whether we were expecting a boy or girl so when born they’ve all been dressed in neutral colours at birth.
Yet my boys are very boisterous despite me buying them dolls as well as traditionally boys toys and my daughter despite being surrounded by 4 years worth of ‘boys’ toys is very pink and princessey she loves babies and baby dolls
I also don’t treat them any differently if they tumble I say to all three come on jump up start again! Yet she’s the one that will coming running for comfort rather than jump up and carry on