• Mud, mud, glorious mud.
• Dogs and other animals.
• Driving around country lanes at break neck speed with no seeming cause for concern.
• Shops which have opening and closing times.
• Paint colours with ridiculous monikers such as ‘Elephant’s Breath’.
• Darkness falling across the land.

It may seem odd to you that I randomly chose to live in a small country village having only ever been a resident of city life but I had my reasons and I stand by them. Although sometimes, I have to admit, I find it hard to fathom myself…

I went from a childhood and adolescence in a small city, a fairly rural city as it goes but Norwich is a city all the same and I moved, in my twenties, to the bright lights of London where nothing ever really sleeps. If you want *dim sum at 4am you can get dim sum at 4am and you know what, even though I’ve never once had dim sum at 4am, I’ve liked knowing it’s been a possibility. I think, these days, I may find it hard to explain to the workers of local farm shops what dim sum actually is and have them understand, let alone be able to come by it… But there we are…

I’m getting used to the differences and seeing the funny side of things (hopefully) so on a recent trip to Norwich in search of *M&S Moulie Wraps, Jimmy and I came away with a new funny ‘in joke’ between just us. ‘Moulie, what’s moulie Julie’ we say to each other in a Norfolk accent and although poor old Julie of Norwich’s M&S didn’t seem to see the funny side as we peeled into hysterics at her feet, it kept us going all day and beyond so I’m sure she’d be pleased she gave us that – maybe?!

You have to laugh don’t you and our old/new life in the country is certainly providing many of those. Don’t get me wrong, we’re enjoying it and know it’s the best decision for us all; we chose a village for the good school and sense of community (we’re grown-ups now innit) and we’re getting used to things bit by bit. Slowly, slowly – see, we’re already out of London style!

The air is clean, you can actually smell it to be so (despite the rubbish only being collected ONCE a fortnight – seriously) and when my visiting London pal got out of her car on Friday night, the first thing she said was ‘WOW, LOOK at the flipping stars’! And yes, LOOK at the flipping stars! You can see them. It’s amazing. But… back to my bullet points shall we go?

1. Mud.

There’s an awful lot of mud in the village and I’m starting to see why my house has a porch way with benches and boot spaces all down one side. So, it wasn’t just to show me that I’d made the right choice as my new porch is bigger than my London kitchen. It wasn’t just a point to be able to show off to visitors the minute they walk through the door. No! It’s practical and necessary. If we didn’t have it our house would become a mudslide and we’d have to wrestle (mud style) our way to the bathroom for a full body shower after each outing. I am NOT used to mud. I do NOT have practical wellies for the school run either. My wellies are pretty; I’m not sure they were ever intended for, you know, walking in the proper wet. I must rectify this.

2. Dogs And Worse!

I am NOT a doggy person. I’ve discovered that I’m not really an animal person at all (cats aside but they look after themselves) and everywhere I look there’s a pooch. Or worse! Our neighbours came bounding up to say hello alongside their bounding dogs and as I froze inside the garage, unable to move with fear of the canines, they looked at me with shock, disbelief and utter disrespect as I squealed ‘I HATE dogs, keep them away from me!’ Ok, perhaps I could have worded it better and said something like ‘I’m just a bit frightened of them if you don’t mind’ but you know, I was fricking on terror stations and they’re HUGE! EVERYONE in the village seems to have one too. Is it just me? Am I a dog hating freak? They smell, you have to pick up their poo and they have eyes which say they’re going to attack! Nope, dogs are not for me. No, not even YOURS!

I don’t think cows are either. I mean it’s all very well visiting farms when you’re expecting them to be there but what about when I stopped the car the other day to ponder exactly how deep the ford in front of me was. Just as I was falling to the words of a wise author and chanting ‘Can’t go over it, can’t go under it, must go through it’ I looked to my left to check my blind spot and a bloody cow was peering at me not but a meter away. With HORNS! And you know what, cows have ‘kill you eyes’ too and they match their sharpy sharp devil head gear. I pulled out my best Michael Rosen courage and drove through that ford quicker than… Well, as quick as a Vauxhall Corsa in 2 and a half feet of rain water can go!

And that brings me onto…

3. Driving Like A Mentalist.

What is it with country folk and driving their 4x4s around tight country bends at a speed Jenson Button would be proud of? Ok, so they get full marks for having vehicles with wheel appropriate treddage but what about when they come hurtling along a road only big enough for one vehicle and little old city car me is carefully winding around at 40mph (and thinking THAT far too fast for the bends in all honesty) and coming in the other direction? UP the muddy banks they go, without a care in the world and without breaking even a tiny bit. ON they zoom with just a flash of an annoyed glance in their wake. I can see they’re wondering why I stayed in the middle of the road and didn’t go up the bank on the other side. BECAUSE my wheels wouldn’t get out of all the blooming mud and the cows are dangerously near enough without going up to the fence to rub noses with them thank you very much!

4. Shop Closed!

When you find a local shop that doesn’t just sell home-made jam and the side of a cow which was grown, killed and butchered on the premises (probably hit by a driver in a 4×4 I would hasten to guess) you have to note down the EXACT opening and closing times for future reference. And then you have to actually have to refer to them. Frequently. If you think you might be able to pop into the local shop at 6am on your way to London to buy mints, you have to think again. If you discover the wine is all drunk at 10pm on a Friday night and you need more, you will just have to go to bed and wish. Shops in the country open and close. I know?!?! Bizarro right?!?! Norwich is only a stone’s throw away though and they DO have late night shopping. Once a week on a Thursday. A late night shop would be ace, we could pick a take-away up on the way home and have a really easy evening after some retail therapy… Only that won’t work because the local take away is only open 3 nights a week (Thursday isn’t one of them). And it closes at 8 having only opened at 5. See, I’m getting good at this taking down the times. I didn’t even have to refer to my notes for that one!

5. Stupid paint names.

Now this one isn’t technically exclusive to country living because Farrow and Ball, I believe, sell nationwide in all pockets but… Come on, most Londoners don’t have enough space to seriously think about painting anything other than a neutral shade of white, or, if you’re really on it like a car bonnet, perhaps a magnolia to be daring. I’d not really acquainted myself with the full F&B palette until now but, obviously darling, we have panelling and all sorts in the new house and Farrow and Ball is the ONLY way to go… Plus it’s mostly already been done in their paint anyway and we may as well make things easy.

Trying to match up the colours on my walls, doors, panelling and porch, I went and got myself the chart and have been falling over with giggles at the names the *pretentious geeks gave each one ever since! Elephant’s Breath, Savage Ground, Mouse’s Back, Nancy’s Blushes and Green Smoke are some of the funniest but my personal favourite has to be Dead Salmon.

Yes, that’s right. A shade of paint called Dead Salmon! Bloody brilliant! ‘Oh darling, what shall we do with the down stairs lavatory’? ‘Paint it a nice shade of Dead Salmon I would!’ Snigger, snigger snigger…

None are as snigger worthy however, as the one which, if you were calling a spade a spade would be ‘off white with a hint of pink’ is called… Drum roll please… CLUNCH! I’m sorry, but that just sounds very rude to me and I can, with the puerile side of my brain, conjure up something MUCH better suited to being called Clunch! Bet you can too!

6. Yes, I get it, the stars are lovely but…

There is a serious lack of street lights in my new village. When I say lack this does somewhat imply there might be a few so I should re-word this statement. There are NO street lights in the village. I repeat NO streetlights in the village!

I noticed it when we stayed for our first night in the house and I decided to pop (RUN like speedy Gonzales as it was 10 minutes to the shop closing time) to get more wine when we ran out (we must stop running out). I literally couldn’t see my feet in front of me. And it was quiet. Eerily quiet in fact. We’d had the local bobby around for something and nothing before and it had, in a normal for Norfolk way, been a chap I was mates with when I used to live in Norwich. I’m sure that he’s NOT the only copper in Norfolk but it did make me wonder. He’d told me there are roughly two or three crimes a month in the whole of my village so I shouldn’t really have been scared but… In the pitch black with absolutely NOTHING making a sound, not even a distant police helicopter letting me know the world is safe, I found it terrifying.

Going to sleep that night, sans the helicopter whirrs, arguments on the street and a shining beacon of welcoming light through my window via a street lamp and I found it very hard to doze off. I’m getting used to it now but I’ve invested in many torches for when I DO have to venture out after dark. I sometimes just lie in bed and shine one at my eyes while listening to a white noise app until I feel more at home…

No, I mustn’t be silly, I’m sure I’ll get used to it and like I said, the stars are lovely… They’re the same every night but they’re, you know, lovely! It’s great to be able to see them! It is. It really, really is!

So, that’s it from me for now, *The Only City Girl In The Village. I’m sure I’ll be back with more tales of country living soon and FYI, if you’re on the look-out for a really cute paint then can I recommend Farrow and Ball’s Moles Breath as being a really great one. It’s kind of like Elephant’s Breath but a little bit more moley and a smidgen more breathy too if you ask me! PERFECTO!

*I have some Dim Sum from Sainsbury’s in the freezer. It’s not quite the same as Panda up Leytonstone High Street but Dim Sum it is and it’s IN my village. Ha!

*You simply MUST try the Mouli Wraps from M&S next time you’re in one that sells them. Not in Norwich obvs but ‘Julie who don’t know about moulie’ is lovely and you’d be grand to say hello to her if nothing else. They’re wild!

*Pretentious Geeks can be found anywhere, not just at Farrow and Ball HQ. Just take a look around London, when you’re buying Moulie no doubt, anyone with a beardy beard over the age of 20 and under 50 (particularly in the age 30-40 category) is likely to be one!

*I (probably) am not the only city girl in the village. Any others out there, please make contact but come alone, I don’t like dogs remember!