This week I made a little announcement on my social media channels…

It was just to say that THREE IS THE MAGIC NUMBER!

My little lovelies (who both had THE most amazing school reports by the way – yep, EVEN Jimmy – HIGH FIVE’S) wanted to be the ones to break the news so here they are saying that we are about to become a family with three kidorinas come the first week of October!

So we announced our happy news but there was also something else. I knew if I talked about this then it would have to be on my blog and not on Instagram or Facebook…

I have known that I’m pregnant for absolutely ages, in fact my cousin told me a friend of hers has just announced her pregnancy and is due in August yet she’s known about mine for so long that she can’t believe my due date is later…

You see I did tell a small handful of people when I found out at 5 weeks because I was feeling so dire and needed to let out about it. I’ve always, in the past, announced my pregnancies early full stop but this time something told me to hold fire and only tell close ones. I just felt I needed to keep it to my chest for a little bit.

I’ve never had morning sickness or any pregnancy problems in the past but this time has been a whole new ball game. Sick ALL day and night, a massive head ache that wouldn’t go away, terrible skin, awfully tired… Just every ailment going basically. So it was good to have a few friendly faces understanding why I looked and felt so grim. But I still didn’t want to make it public just yet.

Anyway, about 3 week’s ago all the sickness started to subside (thankfully) and I suddenly started to feel a lot better. I wouldn’t say eating is a joy again yet because although I no longer feel sick 24/7 I don’t find myself fancying food all that often (a good thing believe me as I’ve a bottom that could use a few pounds off) but it all started to die down on the symptoms front at last.

And then it was finally time for my scan and my moment to make the announcement to the world. I’d made 12 weeks and was looking forward to being able to relax a lot more. The scan showed a lovely little baby kicking and wriggling around and as Jonny and I looked at the screen and saw our third baby, the baby who will complete our family and make one big sister and big brother very happy, we were awe struck. That moment of watching… His or her little mouth opening and closing, a raise of the arm… Well, it’s beautiful isn’t it.

But there was a little look on the sonographer’s face which told me all was not totally well and I must have looked at her with a face that told her she HAD to quickly reassure me. ‘One healthy baby MOVING’ she said. But…

Oh goodness…

‘Here’ she said ‘Here is a second sac which had a second baby inside it and now it doesn’t anymore’.

So… I had originally been expecting twins and perhaps that’s why I did feel so sick and had every symptom going? They say hormone levels are much stronger when there’s a multiple pregnancy.

I went to see the consultant afterwards who explained that the second baby stopped growing about 3-4 week’s ago, about the time I stopped feeling so dreadful. She said the second baby may have had a chromosomal problem or the surviving twin might just have been stronger. Either way she said, there was nothing that could have changed this.

And I don’t know how to feel really?

I didn’t know it was there until I knew it wasn’t and getting my head around that is strange. I wonder if the stress I was feeling over the past few weeks had any bearing… I’ve been letting things get to me and I wonder if that might be it? I wonder a lot of things. And I just don’t know how to feel about it all.

So… I’m just trying not to think about it too much. Trying not to dwell on the fact because the more I do the worse I feel about it and I’d rather just pretend I never did know. Do you know what I mean?

I ummmed and ahhhed over writing about this side of my pregnancy but I decided, that because I document our lives, it would be wrong to not say. And I may write more when I get my head a bit more around it…

There are things I’m trying to work out feelings for, like the fact my body is absorbing (and pretty much has already) the baby which stopped growing.

And there are things I am worried about, like the fact my body hasn’t absorbed any of the second redundant sac yet. Keeping it there instead, fully in tact, thinking maybe that it still needs to do that job…

The consultant isn’t worried really although there is a bleed around the second sac she seemed to dwell on for a while. She said at my 20 week scan she will check again but expects everything to be back to normal and for the second sac, and presumably its bleed, to be gone.

I’ll keep you posted.

It was lovely to show Jimmy the picture of his baby brother or sister after school that day. I had all this information sinking in and as we stood outside Florence’s classroom, waiting to go in and see her play her uke, for some reason it seemed like the perfect moment. He took the picture from me and couldn’t stop looking at it, ‘Show me again’ he said when I put it back in my bag. I kissed and cuddled him and felt instantly better about everything. My sweet boy knew just what to say somehow…

So… Now I stay as I thought I was, growing our little 3 is the magic number… And we feel very lucky to be doing that. Very lucky indeed.

I don’t think I am ‘showing’ too much yet but when I took this photo a week or so ago (at 12 week’s pregnant) I think I can see a little bump coming – what do you think?

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