I’ve heard it said that when you have children it’s always like your heart can walk around independently of you. That about sums it up for me. I’ve never felt love like I feel for my children and it’s true, it does feel as though they are a part of me. They are my heart, my whole heart and when I’m not with them I worry terribly. I love my husband, my Mum and the rest of my family but loving children, well… there’s nothing that can compare to that really!
And loving my children, although I love them both the same, is different now I have two! Harder still to be away from them and to be apart from one and not the other makes me feel guilty as well as worried about the one who is with Gram, Daddy or at school… With a first child you can love them without any worries for anyone else? Does that sound funny? I mean it in the way that before I had Jimmy and I would take Florence out for the day I wouldn’t have any other worries in my heart or mind. She was with me and that was absolutely all I needed – her and to know she was safe. With the second one they can never experience that kind of whole hearted devotion because your heart is always in two places rather than one. I’m really not saying that I love or have loved Florence more than I love Jimmy, not at all and as long as we are all together now then that is all I need, to know that they are both with me and safe! They are both equal in my heart but Florence had a time in her life when she never had to be equal to anyone, she was THE ONE AND ONLY and Jimmy can never have that… I don’t think he misses anything, if anything he gains from having his sister but it’s just different with two that’s all.
I went out with Jimmy on his own this week, something I rarely do. Last year just after he’d been born he and I went to visit the Weleda studio and my trip was one of the nicest days ever but it wasn’t perfect because Florence stayed with my Mum. I could easily do a count up of the times he and I have been out alone in his first year and it’s because I miss Florence too much when I do. I rarely go out with Florence and not Jimmy either because again, I miss him too much and it just feels odd, much better that we’re all together. It felt really odd to be out without Florence this week and Jimmy and I both missed her dreadfully. We had a lovely day at ‘Lullaby’, a play for babies at the Polka Theatre in Wimbledon, and it was great to do something especially for Jimmy, he often misses out on baby activities and alone time with me so it was a good thing to do, but we still missed Florence and Jimmy kept looking around for her. She was at nursery probably not giving us a second thought but I can never quite fully relax and immerse myself unless they’re both with me.
Having and loving children is the best, the most worrying and the most frightening thing I’ve ever done. Loving one person to the extent I love Florence was a complete wonder and to fall head over heels in the exact same way for Jimmy is amazing too! Being a mother IS amazing but there are so many worries that go with it and now that Florence is at nursery and spending a few hours a week away from us I’m starting to realise that my heart is doing a lot of independent walking around without me. When the other half of my heart also goes to school I expect I’ll be a complete mess, I’ll probably be up at the school gates over lunch times trying to catch a glimpse of them and god help them when they get to their teens and want to be away from me more than they want to be with me – I’ll probably turn into their stalker!
MY LIFE WITH 2!
It has been a busy week. Jonny is working very hard towards his exams as he is doing a degree and one of my brothers came over to give him some exam tuition – so we’ve had visitors and I’ve had to produce more than beans on toast for tea. I honestly don’t know how women do it every day? Clean the house, cook the tea, wash the clothes and iron them? I seem to get one task like that done a day and I still feel absolutely knackered!
It was lovely to spend some time with my brother Phil as I don’t see him very often now and neither do the children. We unfortunately don’t see my other brother Alex much either; they are both studying hard at Cambridge and Oxford respectively and we just never get the time these days. Phil brought Jimmy a Peter Rabbit toy for his birthday as he always loved his own one as a little boy and he also brought Florence a Mrs Tiggywinkle so that she didn’t feel left out. He’s lovely my brother Phil!
Florence couldn’t understand why I don’t call him Uncle Phil and just Phil! It was very sweet!
Also this week, I went for an appointment at a private clinic to see if I can have some moles removed on my face. I wrote about it here because I’m really excited that it might happen! Fingers crossed!!
And I couldn’t not mention this brilliant HappyLand character I was sent from the guys at The Early Learning Centre! LOOK, IT’S ME!
It’s to launch the new HappyLand surprise bags where each bag contains one character from the range! There’s lots to collect so who knows who you’ll get? Maybe a clown or a gold edition, even me – you never know! I don’t think I’m going to become a collectors item as Florence wants to get me out of the box to play – I don’t mind really, I want to get me out of the box to play too! #SpreadALittleHappyLand!
Well, that’s it for another week, see you soon but in the mean time do follow me on Twitter @rocknrollerbaby.
I was not paid for any part of this post.