The Power In NOT Having The Last Word!

When speaking with a friend recently, over a dilemma with a tricky situation I found myself in, she gave me some very handy advice that I wanted to pass on.

“There’s a great deal of power in NOT having the last word!”

Having always felt confident to fight my own corner, and indeed the corner of others when I believe in them, I’ve never had any qualms about being stood up and accounted for. I exercise my right to be right, to be heard, to shout about any injustices I feel, and I’m proud of that actually. So many people either feel too intimidated, or too timid to speak their minds and though this,for some, is exactly where they want to be, those who may be happy to sit back and have a quiet life over demonstrating their passions, if it were me I’d always feel like I was being short changed in life if I didn’t speak up!

For example, I will complain in a restaurant when my food is cold or not right, and though it may embarrass my much more “Oh, I’ll just eat it rather than cause a fuss” husband, I’m afraid I can’t get on board with that way of thinking. My principles take priority in situations like those, for I feel if you are paying handsomely for the service of good food, in a restaurant, then you should get what you pay for. If you don’t, then pay for what you get – or at least make them damn well aware of your dissatisfaction. And no, I won’t tip, even if it’s added onto the bill (especially if it’s added onto the bill), unless service deserves it!

It is very British to reply to certain questions, like the one from waiting staff when dining out, that “yes, everything is fine” but if it’s not, I say so! And in every walk of life I’m the same.

“Hi, how are you?” we are asked frequently and while it may not always be appropriate to reply with a diatribe of how things are pretty blooming free falling and rubbish, often it absolutely is and the question has been asked, so why not feel like, if you want to, you can answer honestly?! Our best friends, family, they ask the question and often we still may reply with an “Oh fine thanks, how are you?” when really the world is falling out of our bottoms. I would always reply honestly. That’s me all over, I feel happier, clearer and more healed as a person for doing so, but it isn’t expected by the asker usually. That’s not to say it is met unwelcomingly. It’s very often such an ice breaker for all.

Some say I’m argumentative and, I guess I am, but only, I feel, in the sense that I say the things others think but are maybe either too frightened or lazy to admit. I’m politically minded and vocal in what I believe in from that direction too and I understand that some people want to keep their views under wraps, I just don’t understand why?! Arguing, debate, challenge, surely this is a fundamental part of being human, It is for me at any rate but then we don’t all have to be the same and we won’t all be right all of the time. Me included.

I suspect this is something my younger self couldn’t quite fathom. If I believed in something whole heartedly then I could see no wood through the trees as to how another voice, loud or quiet (for you don’t have to shout to be heard – oh I’ve always known that) could be right. How could I so passionately believe in something and it be all wrong?

Well, we learn as we get older don’t we?! All sorts of things.

I’ve never been one to spend much time on people who aren’t for me but I have done so, without realising often times. The moving into my forties era gifted me to slowly start realising that just because someone has always been around, or been around for a long time, it doesn’t mean they still have to be for me. I realised that if people don’t bring joy, and especially if they bring the opposite, then what am I wasting time on them for?

I’ve always had lots of friends, most of them very good ones. I’ve surrounded myself with the best eggs possible but sometimes, I guess, you outgrow people or people change including yourself. With that, friendships change and values may not align anymore and I think it is totally acceptable to move on.

When challenged in years before, I would always use my hot head to argue why I wasn’t happy with someone and expend energy on the people I’d already decided I had nothing to give to anymore, and wanting nothing from either.

Why?

My need to be right in an argument I guess?

I don’t lose friends easily, not without constant thought and consideration either. I would hang onto people I care about and do what I could to make them happy, persist if there was reason – even if they may not be being wonderful to me at times. For the joy bringing aspect isn’t a case of people being 100% perfect, of course humans are fallible so I don’t expect perfection from the people I surround myself with, but I do now recognise when there’s a finish line.

There are times when you do have to just think “enough” and move on.

It’s life. It doesn’t mean the person or people you’re “breaking up with” are bad, they may be wonderful, you may still have a great lot of admiration for them and I simply don’t believe in fundamental toxicity. But I do believe some people are toxic to you personally, and recognising that is the key to noting when it’s time to move on.

It was at a point like this in my life that I reached with a no return. There could have been at points along the road, but many stops without a turnpike proved it just wasn’t worth the pursuit. Giving up, though not easy, can feel like the right thing to do. The arguments that could ensue as a result however? Oh… But did I want that?!

No, not these days. There was a time I’d have felt the injustice of whatever the other person had done to make me want to kiss them goodbye but now, I guess that age thing again, I seem to have matured.

I found, uncharacteristically, that I didn’t. And it wasn’t that I didn’t want to stand up for myself, you know me, that would be something different. I just didn’t want to expend the energy it would take. There was no point.

When pressed on the area afterwards, after the decision was made, I found myself in very unfamiliar waters without a float. I didn’t know what to do when an answer I didn’t want to have to give was being asked of me, demanded of me in fact. A “discussion”, which was being poked and probed no matter how much I wanted to walk away from the fire rather than stoke it, was being pushed in my face and I needed help in where to turn with it next.

I asked numerous people I value what I should do, how I should respond? I don’t want to hurt anyone or have a massive to do, this is the new me and it just isn’t a situation which calls for it. Yet, how could I leave things like this, without my voice, the way I felt about it all, being heard?

Many things were said, advice offered, all of which I listened and valued and tried to digest wondering which avenue to take with it all. And then one friend simply said:

“There’s great power in NOT having the last word.”

Be polite, always give the best version of you, and walk away was the gist of the rest of that conversation and the notion felt so alien to me it took a while to fully understand that yeah, actually, why couldn’t I do that? Who cares if it leaves me with no power, or all the power, or whatever else, it’s not about that!

And you know what, she was right. I’ve very definitely left the field before the claxon was blown to mark the end of play. I’ve gone home and gone to bed while everyone else is still out dancing. I moved to the side and took a step back… And it was the right thing to do. There really is great power in NOT having the last word!