This Is 40!
I couldn’t quite believe I was going to be 40. I mean I remember my parent’s having this BIG birthday themselves, celebrating with them and thinking man, they’re old! Now all of a sudden I’m here too. Am I old?
Florence said of someone the other day ‘he’s old, maybe 35’ and then clasped her hand to her mouth knowing this would have pricked my ears up. ‘You’re not old though mummy, he’s older than you so probably more than 35, more than 40, because 40 isn’t old’!
40 isn’t old.
This has become the mantra in our house as I inspect the wrinkles which seem to be popping up daily now as if it comes with the 40 year old territory and scan my hands for liver spots (none so far – winning)! And I’m not sure why I’ve struggled with it really?!
I am happy and content because I have the right people with me and love is all around yet I couldn’t help but feel a little odd about this milestone.
In recent months with the build up I’ve gone down a bit of a flashback rabbit hole starting to wear my nose ring again – it’s been 20 years since I last has the desire to put one in but here I was, steam rollering towards the big FOUR OH, and off to Claire’s I went for the exact same style I had in my nose all those years ago. And I love it. I really love it again. But it was born, very definitely, from mid life crisis!
In general, during this aged crisis, I’ve been re-visiting myself from years gone by picking back up the things which I loved then and which defined my youth. Finding little life rafts from the past to cling on to in a loud ‘I’m not going down at 40 with the rest of them‘! Desperate yes… But not a bit sad… I’ve actually enjoyed finding myself being a bit more ‘fuck it’ again! I think perhaps I’d lost a bit of my chutzpah and perhaps the power lies in that little piece of metal in my nose…
My attitude as a teen and young woman used to be one of a winner. I never doubted myself and if I wanted something I went for it. I think this crept out of me with a need to please people and be a grown up and while I won’t be selfishly unkind to anyone going forwards (I do know how to behave), I’m also going to be more like I used to be and if I don’t want to do something I won’t! I spend far too much time doing shit I don’t want to so if I don’t HAVE to (and there are times we all have to tow the line) the I won’t!
Life is far too short not to say FUCK IT! Life is way too short to spend too much time doing the things which don’t please. Life is absolutely too short not to wear the darn nose ring!
So… Fuck it. I’m 40! It’s the new 30 don’t you know and actually this is going to be my time I just know it. There will be a book and a dramatic comedy script coming soon. Oh… And maybe another baby too… 40 is the new 30 only it comes with experienced hindsight and a lot more love! I bloody LOVE it!
And I had the BEST birthday ever thanks to my gorgeous family!