I usually add an exclamation mark at the end of my blog post titles. It’s mostly appropriate but even when it’s not really, it still works. It’s usually still something to shout about. For this title however and I want to whisper it. Very quietly. So that if I don’t say it properly maybe it might not be true.
But, with a very heavy heart and streaming tears in my eyes, I know that it very much is. It’s true. I feel so sad but it is. We are leaving.
Jonny was offered a job in Norwich and it’s just too much of an offer to turn down. It’s amazing really and he has done so well to have been offered it. Im proud of him but…
The job means, of course, going ‘home’ to Norwich to live for good. And Norwich IS home but… Probably not in the way Leytonstone is to me now. Leytonstone has, you see, stolen my heart and I feel that even though I adore Norwich and always will, it was just a first romance to me. Like any first romance it will always be special but Leytonstone, well, it’s my big love affair. It’s ‘the one’.
It’s definitely ‘the one’ but… We cannot, under any circumstances and without any view for this to change in the future, afford to sell our flat and buy a house here. We’re not even close. And we cannot keep living in our two bedroom garden less flat because we’ve outgrown it. Well and truly. We could convert the loft but that would last us only a few more years and then we’d be right back in this position again.
We NEED to live in a proper house and in Norwich, we really can have that. We can have the house and some!
A house big enough for a family that might expand more. A house in the very best, most sought after area. A house that we could only dream of in London.
Norwich has lots of good things for us I know. We still have masses of friends there and family and most importantly for me, my Mum. I do see all these wonderful things and yes, we have weighed everything up and it’s the best choice but I’m still sad because I want the moon on a stick. If I could have my house here then that would be it. Stick and moon. We very rarely can have everything though can we…
We will live in a big house in Norwich. A big house in a great location with a smaller mortgage and we shan’t be lonely for important people… Those are our reasons for going and they’re good ones. They’re the things my family needs.
I see on paper that it makes sense. But I see on paper that our hands are forced. Our children need a house big enough for them and we can not have that here. They will be sad but they will adapt. I hate the thought of Florence leaving her beautiful school but she is so bright that she will be brilliant anywhere. The children need this house and Norwich is the only option. So we have to make it work.
Why then does it feel like my heart is breaking?
It might sound drama-rama but it’s because it is. And I honestly feel like I’ll never get over it.
People keep telling me that I can come back to London for the day, it’s not far away, I can still do stuff for my blog but they don’t understand. I know all that and it’s not the all that that matters. What matters is the living. The every day.
The school, the friends, the park, the swimming pool, our gym, soft play…
What about the cafe? It’s just a cafe but I burst into tears thinking about not having it on my doorstep. It’s the place I’ve cried all sorts of tears, had every conversation and laughed at brilliant things with my friends in and I want it to be there for always. Florence says it’s her favourite restaurant, it’s where we go for a treat, it’s so special to me.
I don’t want to be living in some other place with my children going to some other school. I want to be here and I feel nothing but like I’ve just been let go of by the love of my life. And I’m angry about it too!
Leytonstone made me the best friends I could ever know. Leytonstone is where I grew my babies, brought them home and loved them through their first years and I don’t want to leave. My heart is so fully wrapped around this wonderful place that tearing it away is absolutely cracking it and I really don’t think the cracks will heal. I’m so frigthtened that I will never feel this way ever again and I’m so frightened I will always be missing something.
It is the best thing under the circumstances of reality because we just can’t afford what we REALLY want. But it hurts.
It hurts like I’ve lost a love and although I am prepared to lose that love because my family are more important than me, I had to say it. To write it down. Because I am the sort of person who can’t do anything other than express my emotions when I have been dumped. This feeling is JUST like that!
I feel totally sad and my tears just keep flowing. I know Leytonstone is just a place but it’s more than that to me.
We are leaving. Wishing we didn’t have to. Caught up in the social cleansing of London which is being made only for the very rich just as this Tory government wishes. In an ideal world we wouldn’t have to but we do.
A lottery ticket will be bought tonight. Well, a tiny last bit of hope eh…