My Mum’s best friend once called me an ‘earth Mother’ which both delights me and makes me laugh at the sheer bizarreness of ME being called one.

It’s true to say that on some levels I do appear to be ‘at one with nature’ when it comes to babies but deep down, really and truly, I think I merely dabble rather than worship at the alter of all things ‘natural’.

I think her reasons for calling me thus were mainly down to the fact I breast feed. A LOT. And… (A bit shame facedly here) for a REALLY long time!

Yes… It was my youngest baby’s 3rd birthday last weekend and I STILL breast feed him. But that’s nothing! I breast fed his sister until she was 3 and 8 months so in the grand scheme of his breast feeding life we’re probably only just over three quarters of the way through it!

I know, I know, it IS a bit odd. You’re right. And I never thought THAT woman would be me. But it is. And no, my clothes are normal and not made from hemp, I do believe in hair removal (by the all if you catch my drift) and if you really knew me then you’d know I’m not in any way the picture of the woman that extends the breast feeding life to within an inch.

Now don’t get me wrong, I don’t do it in public. I literally flinch with embarrassment for the Mum’s with older children whopping out boobage in the middle of the playgroup and attaching a child big enough to give running commentary; ‘it’s not coming out Mummy’, ‘I don’t like this side as much as that boobie’, ‘WHYYYYYYYY won’t you let me twiddle one nipple while I have milk milk from the other one!’ Well, it’s not for me and I DO judge those that do – Sorreeeeeeee!

I like to reserve that shazizzle for the privacy of my own home where, in the middle of the night, I am too lazy to do anything other than give in!

It’s easy, they didn’t want to stop and at the end of the day, although they don’t NEED it, it’s hardly doing them any harm – in lots of other European first world countries it’s actually the norm! Florence gave up of her own accord. Just one day she didn’t do it anymore. No cold turkey drug addiction type frenzy and no fuss. She just stopped. I assume Jimmy will too because why wouldn’t he and I like that! I like gentle parenting in general (that doesn’t mean you won’t hear me screaming at them like a banshee on a bad day – we have ideals and then we have being human)!

I think I confuse some people from the mummy scene that I am acquainted with. There’s a select crowd of non vaccinators, zero tolerance on sugarers, extended breast feeders and the like (not all you understand but a select group) and they see me baby wearing and think I’m one of them. Then… They become dumfuzzled if they see me in the pub on a very rare night out with something stronger than a cup of tea (I have been known to flame the odd sambuca) – I just don’t fit! Later on they might see me breastfeeding one (STILL) while treating the other to a McDonald’s for a lazy supper. As they spy me through the window on their way to the organic hippy dippy cafe that serves cake made from nothing more than medjule dates, I see the look of sheer confusion cross their brows?! WHO IS SHE?!?!

Well… SHE is someone who has made a very fine discovery. Whilst in Maccy D’s (AGAIN), force feeding my children crap so that we can fit tea in to the 20 minute gap between ballet and Girl’s Brigade, Jimmy came out with a cracker. I was being rather good for me and if I’d been being ‘the even MORE slummy mummy me’ I might never have known!

You see I’d said a firm no to Coca Cola and stuck to it. I’d agreed instead on a milk shake each (well, it’s milk ain’t it?!) and Jimmy chose strawberry.

His first McDonald’s milkshake in the whole world and after his first sip he said: ‘Mummy! THIS tastes JUST like milk milk but colder, it’s sweet and yummy and just like I like it’!

Well, there you have it. Can’t get more natural than good old McDonald’s it seems! Perhaps IF I ever get to the stage where I need to wean him off (I assume I won’t be feeding a teenager – c’mon, I can’t be THAT weird!) I shall use this resource to numb the pain! See, I KNEW I was no earth mother…

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